Miss a day of the hymen

Looking back, I miss a day of the hymen. It is the patron saint of girls, is firm and pure. Now I'm in love and confused in the loss of self, frankly, I become a woman of debauchery. If parents know that I am the real situation, we feel deeply grieved for. This is because in the book from a young age I knew a beautiful love, to know the woman's physical virginity is valuable. While the mother and I never said this, but some of the comments made me realize how precious a virgin. In the past, I have always thought that to give Droit de seigneur future husband, but I did not stick to live, I had fallen. The third time there is a good boy very nice to me, then slowly I love him, and have had a love of obscure and about the sexual habits. At that time, but I do not dare to love, to my parents from a young age strict and often told me not allowed to puppy love. So, when he received a card addressed to my courtship, I blush a good heart, he refused to reply immediately. In the letter, I put it mildly, we have to test it, it will say about these things. In spite of this, I have been quietly concerned about him until later that we have admitted to the university, we have relations into a common friend. Not long to go to college, he told me to call him a girlfriend, than he is a high-grade schoolmates. On that day, I wish the phone said, but could not come to the minds of the bitter taste. I hate the courage to reveal his true thoughts, although I know that as long as the truth to say that he is likely to come back to me, because he has after his girlfriend was showing from time to time for my good. I admired his love can speak out loudly, while they can only suppress, suppress. But unconsciously, I found that he had fallen into the whirlpool of emotions. Freshman summer, I look at him in three days, the first kiss I gave him. On that day, I finally gave in the hearts of love, but when he said to his girlfriend away with me, I firmly rejected his. Or reject, or suppress, and this is my love and his fate. I can not for their own well-being to harm another innocent girl, she is more than I love him, love him though I love her too. Three years later, I rejected all the boys. As a Scorpio, a dual nature in the extreme character in my own heart to tell himself: after finding matched hearts of love, marriage in the night, the love for chastity. After graduation, I had to stay in Beijing, were looking for a good look. This is a small well-known IT companies, I am a public relations staff, I did manager. Probationary period is very hard, but I have done quite well, my appearance and communication in the company's ability to be the best. Although the work can be fully physically and mentally, but after work I often feel lonely. A chance, and I am with a group of male colleagues came into my mind. He is the kind I like men, have a child and faces a bright and sunny smile. The first thing I see him on our sense of what will happen. Later, we quickly began contacts. Before coming to Beijing, he was in another city living away from home alone for three years. At that time I did not experience any society, did not realize that his experience there is any special significance. Now I do not trust those years of drifting out of men, feel them and will not have a sense of security because they are living away from home alone for the start of his career, that is, they have a clear mind utilitarian start. On them, many times I see is apathy, tolerance and non-secular. But at the time of my life without the simple-minded, even the basic ability to judge did not. At that time I just feel that he is very hard all these years, I said to myself that he must make love. He's gentle appearance, but have generally nomadic wild heart, he me to instill some love opening point of thinking, and later explained to me from time to time do not intend to get married. He also said that men now on a virgin Department does not simply do not care. This, as well as family and I have been running counter to the idea is. I am skeptical between acceptance and to refute, and he also has a number of small conflicts. I do not know in order to facilitate the work, or for me and more opportunities for contact, he rented the house before moving out, I will be re-let units in the vicinity of a room. He said such a distance from the nearest we have, because I used to live in the west, he was in the east. The first live into the evening, he called me in the past. I went to, and I'm looking forward to embracing love and sleep, I do not like one of the Qiqing sleep, but I did not intend to have sex with him. Later, he requested in his bed. I do not want to, very nervous, he could not enter my body. I secretly pleased because I was in Legitimacy would like to pay a night when chastity. As a result, I have to teach his method in other ways as far as possible to satisfy his needs, but I can not promise to perform oral sex. This behavior so that there is no practical experience, I feel sick. After half a month, he proposed breaking up, I asked the reason, he said with a look of indifference, he did not want to do and I did not dare to pay a woman together, he said, and only together, I feel depressed. Indeed, I paid too little less than he had hoped to love love crazy. However, he also paid a number for me, he has never thought of and I want to get married, and even that did not have to be serious and I love to, I also have the courage to how I pay for all? Now I see through the man, and he And I had together is just as lonely, I just want to be found in nature meet. On that day, I am happy to break the promise, although I have some pain in the hearts. Fortunately, a new fan of the work for the time being let me forget the pain of the heart. But in the lonely night, I often cry, I feel wronged because I was so in good faith to him, as it is available. Think also find it ridiculous, then I have had the idea to commit suicide, but the reason I did not do that, I can look down upon their own lives, but I have to be responsible for my parents, I am single woman. The city is not home, and friends scattered throughout the country, in a gloomy mood of the season, but who do not have a good comfort to the people, think of the hearts of those on full Qileng. A new fan in the work of more than leisure time, I can not go anywhere. Later, I learned how to access, frantically obsessed with chat, and the accumulation daily psychological abuse Yi Gunao tell strangers. Talk of pleasure and comfort of a stranger so that I can for the time being and calm. However, at that time I was rational, deliberately avoiding courtship. I still think of themselves, parents responsible. After the break, we are colleagues still meet, there will inevitably be reflected in contact with, I pretend to be as if nothing had happened. We have had exchanges since the hidden units, few people know that we have a real relationship, we just think that is a very good friend. Four months later, I was informed that he and his female assistant of cohabitation. At that time I was a crazy feeling, I remember he once joked with me and said he would not like his female assistant, for her hook for him to start challenging the not too. One can imagine that he would not move a little girl's true feelings. As I know he has a new girlfriend after the third day, he shook his head Tan Zhaoqi sitting on the front of the computer said to me: "You are too conservative." Turned around, he Shuaichu murmured: " Old maid. "I was sitting in a chair at every turn, but there was a feeling of shock Tianbengdelie. Later, I would like to, then I am sitting like a rock weathering, the surface may not have any change in the actual heart has been torn apart wounds. From small to large, teachers, relatives and neighbors, are now leaders of my evaluation is simple. In fact, this is only my natural character of the double extreme side, in their daily lives to show side. I now feel that time is still love him, because he gave me the feeling of hurt me, "destroy the mind." At the same time, there are a number of units in the knowledge of their male counterparts are still very nice to me. Six months later, the headquarters of a veteran of the only son of our colleagues. He three-year-old than I am small, and I do the same department. For the first time I see him, I praised the beautiful face-to-face. He is a Playboy-man, I could see his mind. Later, contacts, he also hinted that the on and off, after all, I let the dream and he said he would accept the three-year-old girlfriend than he. He is a great minds of the boys, and my former boyfriend's relationship has been quite good. I moved in he told me the good, frankly told me he and the former boyfriend of all. At that time, he was surprised because he never listened to the former boyfriend Yueqi Guo. Not long after going out together in an office, he told me that he does not mind my past and I hope to become his girlfriend. I can not accept, because I feel he did not. Later, he and the other has a good relationship between the love of my female colleagues, I have this great two-year-old female colleagues. Let me heart that one day soon, in the office, I have this little three-year-old boy in the seat next to me and my former boyfriend laughing at the same time, with the tone said something: "old maid." They may I am not saying that because they do not look at me. But I have heard, I do not understand why they want to ridicule the woman is a virgin. I think of it the first time I heard the former boyfriend scolded by the tone of the "old maid". I find it very difficult subject, but I can not be shown. I was very depressed, I do not understand why. I asked another male colleague, is not concerned about their love of a woman is not a virgin. He said that if he loved the girl is really love him, do not care. At the same time, and my mother's cousin is the most pro-phone repeatedly warned me before marriage and do not have any sexual relations with men. At that time I really feel tired, that is, at that time, I felt his maiden in his capacity as the offensive as "virgin" too heavy a word, the weight of people can not breathe. After work I like to chat online, on-line, a lot of people like me, and some naked men to love me, even though we do not know what the other side. However, they do not understand me, because I do not know who the other side of the character. Later, I will be on-line measured by the release of boredom joke, forget the troubles. However, after the network is still under the clear explanation of the trouble, no one has given me the exact answer. Why a man would look down on a virgin? I should not give up the identity of a virgin? Minds of those seriously affected my work. Even worse is that every day I would see her before! But I can not give out the job. At that time I really thought about death. During this period, a work in contact with the men show up, I had the momentum. He's not local people, the tourism industry is doing, and people are thinking, and some little money. However, his knowledge is too self-cultivation is also a serious shortage, but I think his heart is not bad. I often feel in the dark after he received the invitation. Later, he introduced his cousin and I know that it was a good girl. Gradually, their interest makes me feel some warmth. He may at any time will show their concern about me: always take to the streets to take the initiative to request help me Lin Bao, every time I bring home ... ... even his cousin played there, before going to bed, he will be asked to help My feet, it Xijiao Shui. I was already a very, very moving, but I was turned down under the hard-hearted. I do not want to owe his situation, because I think that they can not love him. Sometimes I hesitate: up, so you get married, I would be tired National Day that year, the company holiday, I received his invitation. His cousin's boyfriend to Beijing, I have to play together in the past. We enjoy a very good time that day, I have an exception to a number of wine to drink. Later, her boyfriend and his cousin to the Jiudiankaifang. At that time, is already late at night, I live where the door has been closed, I had no choice but to return with him to his residence. He said he let me sleep in a room, he slept in the living room sofa. Did not expect that, and so I Shuixia after he entered the room, sitting on the bedside I begged. This will allow me to feel disgusted, I nest in the yard was not him. Later, he suddenly clinging to me, and forced into a quilt that I just want to sleep with later. I hesitated, did not stop. I do not know what was psychological, maybe I was really tired, tired, tired of so much effort to protect Zhao Na-hymen. Will take place at all, I did not stop him, although I was very clear that as long as I shout "stop", he is afraid to take any improper actions. I admit that I was being soft-hearted moment, did not resist the temptation. Later, at the moment I wake up in pain, the suffering of my face so that he has not dare to move. I forced him to open and threatened him not to his own room, I immediately departure. He reluctantly out of the room, I found that the lower body to clean a piece of toilet paper on the nail of the big blood red. Blood looked, I had tears falling down, I do not know fear, or because the fate of the more sentimental fool. I Kushou of virginity on such an end, not to their favorite man, given his dislike of a man. At that time I really feel afraid, not afraid of the future, but fear itself. I have been unable to grasp their own and do things always come out with the intention inconsistent, which means that I will no longer be the masters of their own, there is nothing more than that is there to fear? Early in the morning, I woke up sore. Mengmeng Liang Tiangang that time, I dressed quietly on a door. I do not know how the face of all. I was afraid he would wake up, I can be nowhere else to go, then I thought, think of the parents. I have been fortunate in this world, there is a place to heal. Later, I had to fight to the train station, and so on the home of the National train at home, I never felt easy, not like anything happened in the past, in the family, I gradually relax the heart of the tension. The end of the National Day holiday, I went back to the company. I broke that the body of a man still frantically around me. I dare not whole day out of office because he kept there. He hit my cell phone, office phone to play, I answer the phone call of my colleagues said I was not. The only time I felt fear, I am afraid to see the man, he seems to be not only destroyed overnight in my maiden who, like a devil and that the general wanted to control my soul. Later, he finally found me on the phone, I fear he rejected all begged. His attitude began to ease. Later, he invited me out to play, my mind gradually calmed down, but they would only agree to his cousin, accompanied only to the time. In mid-December last year, one of the night, he invited me to sit cafe. It was a public place, I did not refuse. There, he said something, I have to marry him, I promise to the good life. I am saddened and funny. Sorry because I can not fall in love with him, although he is sincere. Funny is I do not love me to marry him, I love people who say it has never married. In the meantime, I met on-line Academy of Fine Arts of a four-year-old graduate student I am, and I am his hometown. We have almost no on-line chat how, but I left my phone. Had two phone, I agreed to go to university to dance with him. I was tired of a faint sense of what happens to be. After the meeting, is not in love at first sight to imagine that he was not like I have the kind of cheerful men. However, perhaps tired of the same sense of it, we came together. I asked him before making love in the Virgin do not care. He said no. I told him I was the first time. I say this not to feel ashamed, and did not feel it is lying, because this is really the first time I take the initiative. On that day, I did not stop him from any act of the whole night I have to hold back the pain. I hope that the flat quietly as the old couple, and he slowly into the feeling. He fell asleep, I see that rubbing off on toilet paper there is a ray of the blood is On. Up in the morning, we clean bed together. I have noticed that he looked: up in blankets, he is very seriously at the sheets. No blood on bed sheets. On behalf of all the color of the Virgin logo, only I have seen. From that moment, I have a full bid farewell to my age virgin. That day is Feb. 8, 2002, the 23-year-old birthday two months later. Recall this, in my mind is a strange feeling. I regret not mind, only in retaliation after a ridiculous pleasure. In fact, I did not graduate to the seriously in particular, I have been doing just nature. Later, I visited him twice, each time on Saturday night finished after eleven o'clock at night before I last bus to his home. Whenever this time, he would in his Grand Courtyard at the entrance waiting for me, waiting to see his shadow, my heart will feel very stable, as the homing Juanniao. At the same time, but my heart will be in one voice: he is a lover. We have never said anything in the future, or even talking about little previous experience. I learned to their own fate. I still remember the second time his home to a late-night, he hit me the phone, I went to his house. As the day to night, I do not want to go. But he said it was the former home of the New Year meet for the last time, I must be the last. End of the night I drove the streets in the cold, full of sad hearts, compassion can not help their situation. I know, all this is not normal. Although I do not fear this is not a normal life, but I am well aware that all of the other way around. Deliberately from a firm line of defense of chastity reserved girl, I slowly turned into a wind drift of the foundation's not dirty woman. At that time, I think he has become a very weak woman, not a weakness of the body but the soul. I did not stick to the physical strength, always and Qing Piaopiao senseless to dust, the body is filled, but a heavy heart. Night to his home after his sudden stomach pain very much, Driven to despair, I help him to the hospital. Along the way, he kept moaning, looking at his face, I did not feel distressed, but we all feel the same vulnerability, whether physical or soul, always vulnerable and tortured. But that day I was very Xian-hui, I have been struggling to held on to a high of close to me, he went into hospital and take the initiative to pay the hospital late at night to jump up and down Nayao registered. At the same time, I will not forget from time to time to comfort him. In this way toss about two hours later, the doctor gave him the needle hit his stomach began to alleviate. Later, I held on to his return to his small single room. It could be seen that night that he was touched by my actions, perhaps he will think this is love. Night, doing his gentle, I want to feel happy, but I was not approved by the love and gratitude of the way, but I did not refuse his gentle. Who knows it was not love it? May only be a lonely man to express my gratitude. That night, after he returned home, it is the eve of his graduation. He never told me he wanted to go, what to do. I simply ask the phone twice, he did not silent, I did not raise the question again. Fate, and I said to myself. In fact, I do not love him, just a lonely person on the same compassion for it. Chinese New Year holiday, he never had my cell phone. There is no denying that I have been told that he hoped that this initiative is the first time I have the body of a man, even if I am emotionally very indifferent to him. At the same time, I have no kind of attitude, and his relationship, I have no ready to accept the results of the psychological preparation. So he quietly, I do not feel uncomfortable. Not long after Valentine's Day is, he called me to wish me happy. I was ridiculed by one of their own laughter: We only love. The first to go to work on Saturdays, he said the phone would like me to the past. This is the third time. This time, I still passed, and although I am clear in my own feelings of the waste. That night he showed me a yellow foreign player, this is my first time ever to see such a plate. Later I asked him when the Chinese New Year is like my body or I would like to. He does not want to deny my body. I thought I saw the trace of his cruel laughter. That night, I feel I am in a physical, he thrilled, but I think that was just funny. Offensive, he requested oral sex, and before that he had taught me. I can not feel a little, took heart in one breath, Hou Zhe, I said to him: "It is because oral sex, I and the former boyfriend of breaking up." He was terrified, no longer silent, nor did I Zaipeng . Later, I calmly the Shuixia. The next morning is still the same as in the past, did not have breakfast, he sent me on the bus on the left. Since then I have no contact with him, he did not hit me the phone. A month later, I mischief in his message on QQ: I never loved you, but I never said you lied. However, this was also the truth. My story does not end here, in his after I went through three men and, of course, have occurred in the relationship. I do not understand is that people have been ridiculed as "old maid" in me, but now they often hear men say that I am a woman of the 10,000 kinds of style. I understand what they mean, they want to say I am a woman of debauchery. I and the relationship between these men is the Valentine's style, not each other's promise is not binding, in good faith has not thought about the feelings of love, but what Bietan marriage. Now I have no desire for marriage, although I have been so seriously fantasy Droit de seigneur dedicated to the future husband at the time of the scene. Now, I'm disappointed, or the disappointment of their own destiny - a virgin and non-virgin, I have the same suffering, suppress the same.